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| pulling off an all-nighter for the first in the longest i can remember. i used to be like fuck it with grades, but i realize that ive looked back way too much and regretted how i fucked up on this test and that test. im just proud that ive been able to double my gpa ever since i got kicked out and readmitted back into school.
i live with regret everyday. even though people always say not to, life with this no regrets shit, because it is either a waste of time, or that kind of energy should be spend on the future blah blah. maybe it is because they have not done anything severe enough in their life to regret it far enough. they should. but i dont think people regret enough. it is a matter of how you regret. instead of just feeling sorry. what let up to that event, why did that happen, what can be done if the same situation happened again, what was going on at that time, what were the circumstances, what measures could have prevented, all this shit. yeah it is a waste of time, but i still do it anyways.
old habits die hard. thats all i have to say about that.
on the way to school when i was driving i saw the leaves falling in the air just swirling all around. it was quite a peaceful event to see. it seems as though everything went silent and all there was were the leaves just flying around, never find their place to rest.
i found this crazy news article, http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20091029/od_nm/us_crime_roulette_odd_1
it talks about how people in russia found a new version of russian roulette, and how its speeding through red lights on purpose to see if they can get through without hitting anything at the busiest intersections of the city. makes me think if i'd take up that bet. puhaha.
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| i will starting writing more.
so, the fact is, it is not YOU that i cannot get over, it is just the fact that I have to get used to not being with someone anymore. its already been over two months, so i have to get my shit together now. there have been ways i have been trying to compensate for that missing feeling. they were all bad ways. but none that i really regret.
the tension inside of me. this feeling of suffocation. i have only felt brief moments of freedom. i had to sacrifice so much to capture those moments. do i ever regret to feel those moments of PURE happiness, and having thrown everything away and to suffer the strenuous consequences? yes. it was worth it. i can die satisfied.
fuck twitter. fuck facebook. fuck xanga too.
it feels like forever until i can get out of here. but there is something inside of me that drags my body along. there is still that small ounce of will in the back of mind that will force my way through.
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| i am a forgetful person. i forgot what i keep promising myself. to stop fucking up, or else i'll go back to the way i was.
these days of playing catch up, i have to admit are wearing thin. it has even caused me to break down like a little piece of shit. but this shit has to stop. i have to bang my head with my fist a couple of times to knock some sense back into me.
fuck it. nevermind. fuck you.
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| i have all that i need in my life. except you. when will be together again. only the distance separates us.
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| things are going ok these days.
love has left me yet again. i think im going to take a break for awhile now. i learned that i should just allow things to happen on their own.
ive been watching a lot of korean dramas lately. i am addicted now. i like the new KBS channel on satellite.
in the future, i should not reveal everything about my past anymore. there are just some things that people never need to know.
work is going well. school is going well. love life used to be so strong, but now nonexistent.
i feel like seeing the ocean now.
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